I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged