Not even remotely sorry.
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?