[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”