kitchen magnet
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
an octopus is just a wet spider
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it