Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
no cat here
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot