Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isnât âself defecating humourâ
Explaining to my future spouse that Iâll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
wtf is an acronym
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…đđ¤Łđđđ
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said âoh shitâ and picked her up and took her into the other room but he wonât always be here to protect her
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by⌠âDiabetes probably.â
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break