1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
You Might Also Like
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.