The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
You Might Also Like
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep