If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.