Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*