Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
#NoRestForTheWicked
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.