Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.