People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke