Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.