I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.