I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?