Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
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[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils