7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Vodka burrito was a success
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…