If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.