Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.