Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Thank you corporation very cool
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.