me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
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“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”