Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
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‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Optional boss fight.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*