When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I’m confused about plants
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.