daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart