Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
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Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Note to self: I am a note
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years