Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Is this a threat?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life