Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
You Might Also Like
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal