Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.