grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
What in the hipster hell is going on here
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes