I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
so this horse walks into a bar
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
こいつ天才
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same