[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Only short people can save us
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.