Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.