HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.