I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on