me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update