The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.