It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.