DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.