Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me trying to look natural in photos
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes