New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.