“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]