let’s discuss
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I beg your pardon?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano