me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.