Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids