Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
What about second breakfast?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I wish this was real life…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
😂💯
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
sleeping beauty
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT