Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My Sentiments Exactly
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Driving in Europe vs Canada
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
January is lasting longer than my marriage