guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]