Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.