[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Very good news from my accountant
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking